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List of Needs

In most situations, the very best (and sometimes hardest) thing you can do is recognize the other person's underlying need.

"Oh it looks like your need for respect was not being met?"

Saying something like this can be hard for many reasons. For one thing, from your perspective, they were being respected and they are just misinterpreting your intention. But that is the point here is that you are not talking from your perspective. You are talking from their perspective.

Something else very important to notice about the statement above. We don't include ourselves in that statement. We don't say, "... your need for respect was not met because I..."

Another common mistake is for people to confuse wants for needs. Someone may want another person to do something for them. That is not a need. The need is deeper. "I want you to eat meals the same time I do" is not a need. The need is for connection. When we identify the underlying need, we open up the possibilities because there are many actions that will fulfill any given need.

ConnectionAutonomyTrustPlayPeaceMeaning
AcceptanceFreedomAuthenticityCelebrationBeautyAwareness
RespectChoiceIntegrityHumorEaseClarity
SecuritySpacePresenceJoyFairnessContribution
CommunityExpressionHonestyFunHarmonyPower
SexSpontaneity

OrderEffectiveness

The above list is my condensed version of the list at CNVC.org:

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