To Sum It Up
Pre-web medias (newspapers, radio, TV) are passive experiences. Web users are not passive observers. They do not have the attention span or time to read your story and they do not have the desire to be told how to think.
|"You will just LOVE our product."|
|"Our product is the most [subjective terminology]."|
|"We did [some boring thing] back in [whenever] and we like [who cares] and we believe in [no one wants to know] and our history is [so what] founded by [why does anyone care] back in [whenever]...|
Some More Advice
Economics of words. Use only enough words to tell your story. Avoid using unnecessary adjectives, flowery language, or redundant expressions such as "added bonus" or "first time ever". If you can tell your story with fewer words, do it. Wordiness distracts from your story. Keep it concise. Make each word count.
Are you telling a story about you or are you telling your customers what you will do for them? Focus on the customer's needs.
Use "action" phrases. For example, instead of "We can blah your bling," the more effective way is: "We WILL blah your bling."
Beware of jargon. While a limited amount of jargon will be required if your goal is to optimize your news release for online search engines, the best way to communicate your news is to speak plainly, using ordinary language. Jargon is language specific to certain professions or groups and is not appropriate for general readership. Avoid such terms as "capacity planning techniques" "extrapolate" and "prioritized evaluative procedures".
Avoid the hype. The exclamation point (!) is your enemy. There is no better way to destroy your credibility than to include a bunch of hype. If you must use an exclamation point, use one. Never do this!!!!!!!!!!
Here is an article on the topic: